Angus Oblong's Advice Column.
Send your life-problems to:
Dear Angus Oblong,
I am 19 and in love with my sister's boyfriend. He is 22 and she is 21. Is this wrong? I can't help the way I feel and I want to tell him how I feel. What should I do?
Feeling terribly guilty in Omaha.
Dear Feeling Guilty,
Or should I just say, Dear little slut. Do you have a history of taking your sister's things? Have you ever heard this from her?: "Keep your filthy slutty hands off my shit, you little whore!" If so, then what I suspect is that you are, and have always been, jealous of her & desire nothing more than to be her. You hate yourself, as well you should. And I hate you too.
That being said, you should fuck her boyfriend but don't tell your sister.
Angus, I'm an artist, I'm not published, not that I can't be but I've chosen not to be. People, other artists, look down on me cuz I'm not published...should I work on being published to shut up the masses, or should i just stay the coarse....waiting ur response....
You're supposed to be anonymous, or at least have a pseudonym, you fucking retard. But since I know you & respect your work, I'll take you on as a client here for some well-deserved Oblong advice.
You mention other artists looking down on you? I find that hard to believe, as your work is so damn good. I think you're imagining it. But if what you say is true, then you should murder them all. Murdering them will not only take away competition as far as what the average nerd purchases at any given comic con you're selling at, but it will also decrease the negativity these assholes have been sending your way. Murder is not always the answer, but in this case I believe it is.
As far as publishing your works, I say DO IT! There are plenty of mediums out there now for publishing. I say look into those or have one of your victims do the online research at gunpoint before you shoot him. Your work really loans itself to a large, hardcover coffeetable book. I'd buy it! But I expect a free signed copy as soon as this happens because of the time I've taken here to advise you.
Dear Mr. Angus Oblong,
I have been diagnosed with an extreme phobia of being surrounded by objects. This presents me with a variety of inconveniences throughout my day. The only way I can stay awake without having a panic attack is by suspending my body to free float underwater. I have to keep my eyes shut and breathe out of a hose. I was wondering what kind of noises you think sound relaxing while underwater.
Dictated, not written
I really don't know what to tell you. You can't be near any objects? Nothing except for water?? You sound like you're fucking insane. Like nothing I say here can help you. Like your brain is broken. I advise you to just do what you love doing until it kills you. Then you'll be dead.
I have a problem.
My problem is you. More specifically, my unending, throbbing, unquenchable lust for you.
Every time I see a photo of you pop up in my Facebook feed my dick stiffens up and I start thinking about what it must be like to choke on your --
I had to cut off the rest of his question. It goes to dark and filthy places. And since I'm huge in the four-to-seven-year-old community, I try and keep my website child-friendly.
But I suppose I can take a moment to say, thank you for being obsessed with my penis. It's a very nice penis, I must admit. But I looked at your Facebook pictures and I would have to be really really really really really really drunk to allow anything you described to happen. That being said, I get that drunk all the time, so I suppose there's a chance your desires will - no.. no they won't. Never mind. Ain't gonna happen.
Dear Mr. Oblong, I just turned 35 the other day and feel like I've done pretty much nada with my life. Any suggestions on making the rest of it count? I love to write and draw, and since you have made a name for yourself doing those same things, any advice in this area would be especially appreciated. Thanks!
~ Ina G.
You're 35? You're a dinosaur. It's nice to see that you still have hope to change your otherwise wasted life at your age. My advice is to do something. Anything.
I wish I had more information on you; career, relationship, financial status, anything to work with. So I'm going to assume you... are... living under a bridge with homeless men who pee on you while you sleep.
My advice is to pretend to be asleep while holding a long, lead pipe. Then when they start peeing on you, beat the shit out of them. Literally. Beat them until they shit themselves. Then leave the bridge forever. Get cleaned up, get a job, any job, and work your way up from there.
Put writing & drawing aside until you get your life together. Get an apartment or rent a room from someone. THEN you can start your career in the wonderful world of literature and highbrow fine art.
Dear Mr. Oblong,
I desperately need your advice. I am addicted to pills. Muscle relaxers and anti-anxieties to be exact. I can't get through a day (or night) without at least one. I need to be off of these things before they ruin my life.
Do you have any suggestions for weening myself off of these?
-Addicted in Albuquerque
If I am anything, I am a giver. Please allow me to take this bullet for you. Send your xanax (and whatever else you got) to me at the address below. I will take them for you and sell what I don't take. (All proceeds, of course, going to Charity. Charity being a hooker.)
Do not stop your prescription. In fact, tell your doctor that you need more, so that I have more to sell.
14320 Ventura Blvd. #168.
Sherman Oaks, CA. 91423.
I recently came to the realization I was gay any advice on meeting guys and maybe getting a date?
-Confused and Unsure
Dear Confused and Unsure,
First of all, it doesn't sound like you're confused or unsure anymore, so your pseudonym should simply be, "I'm certain that I'm a great big fag now. Bring on the cock."
Now let's get you that date. You've given me very little personal information with your single sentence, so I don't know what I'm working with here. If you're ugly &/or fat, I'm not sure how much I can do for you, as the gay community can be very shallow as far as looks go. (So if you're either or both of those things, I suggest fixing that somehow.) But, if you're ugly, fat and RICH, you should have no problem finding a shallow pretty-boy to let you touch his butt hole with your face.
But I think my ultimate advice is you getting a Rape Van and some roofies. Then ANYone in the gay bar can be your date! Hell, anyone in a straight bar, at a sporting event, at a family picnic can be your date! Shit! This is brilliant! I'm a genius! I'm getting a Rape Van now.
Bye. Gotta go van & roofie shopping. Good luck.
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