Angus Oblong's Movie Reviews.
Below you will find my professional opinion of the last few movies I've seen.
(And if you have to play with your phone during a movie, you're too fucking stupid to be allowed to go to movies. So please stay at home.)
The Shape of Water.
I went into this movie knowing very little about its plot, which I highly recommend for this particular film! But here are some spoilers. This film is about a blind lady who masturbates in the bath tub every morning. Except she's not blind. She's mute. Then she meets this playa who's part fish and they totally hook up! I know it sounds weird, but it's kind of hot.
It made me wonder if this film will arouse someone out there. Are there people who are sexually attracted to fish? I know of those attracted to felines, canines and the occasional farm animal, but ...fishes? (Do you remember that Simpsons episode where Patty gets married to Troy McCleur and it's hinted that he has sex with fish? That was funny.)
This movie is probably my favourite film from 2017 a.d. and it makes me want to want to fuck a fish.
Star Wars the Last Jedi.
The elderly are really really gross. I've never wanted to be one of them. I made that decision at an early age as I watched these slowly lumbering, oddly-scented creatures lurking amongsts us. It was then that I decided to live a happy, decadent lifestyle, denying myself none of the pleasures that life offered, and to die young. Well, youngish. I just don't want to have to have a nurse wipe my butt for me after I go poo. Anyhow, that plan was coming along very nicely until a few years ago when there was a plot twist in my life: Disney bought LucasFilm & announced they were going to release a new Star Wars movie every year. "Abort! Abort!" I yelled, setting down the family-sized bottle of vodka. "Something to live for?" This concept was fairly new to me. So I was still alive in 2017 a.d. to see the latest in the -now eight- chain of movies about Jedi knight R2-D2 & his co-pilot, Chewbacca.
SPOILERS!: This movie is about little puffin-sized birds called Porgs who live on an island with Mark Hamill. Some other stuff happens but it's mostly about the Porgs who both fly & walk.
Laura Dern is in it, which is distracting at best. She's all in purple and I think her hair is purple too and she's a total bitch to Poe, whom we've grown to like from the last movie in this series. So we hate her. Then she dies in a firely 'splosion and we suddenly don't hate her no more. Kylo Ren takes off his shirt & is all like, "Do you even lift, bro?" And Princess Liea gets shot into outter space, but she gets all better.
This is one of Marvel's best movies, even though Jeff Goldblum is in it. He really needs to stop.
As you may or may not know, super-fan male nerds are impossible to please. They're worse than vegans when it comes to geting mad about simply everything. Nerds apparently have nothing better to do than to flame behind their online fake names about anything and everthing nerd-related. But that fun fact is neither here. Nor is it there. It just is.
In this movie, Thor finds out he has an older sister named Hella Evil. She can shoot swords out of her hands! So Thor & his [adopted] brother, Lookey, along with the Hulk & a drunk Valkarie, have to take the bitch down.
There's a really huge dog in this movie, but not enough. I would totally go and see a movie that was just about the big dog.
The only thing I would change about this movie is, there wasn't a scene in the mall. Remember how every 80s movie had at least one scene in the mall? I miss that.
Murder on the Orient Express.
This movie was simply marvelous. It's about a bunch of people stuck on a train & then Johnny Depp gets murdered and the world's greatest detective happens to be on the train and he's all like, "Step aside, bitches. Ima solve this shit."
Simply everyone who's anyone is in this movie: Judi Dench, Michelle Pfeiffer, the Star Wars girl, the Green Goblin dude, Penelope Cruz and a black guy.
When I become rich & eccentric (I'm only one of those things currently) I plan to host a Murder Mystery party in my spacious mansion . But the twist will be, someone will actually be murdered and we all have to solve it. How fun would that be?! I could invite, like, 10 friends who would probably actually kill someone and one really annoying person, serve up loads of Absinthe and LSD, then see what happens. I think the best twist would be if someone murders me. As I'm getting stabbed, I would be thinking, "This totally sucks! What a bad idea."
"It" is about a clown. I hate clowns. Except for me. I like me. I'm one of the few people who I let touch my penis. But if you want to touch it, then don't be afraid to ask. I might just say yes.
In this movie, there are a bunch of poor kids living in a small village in Maine I think and this clown demon who lives in the sewers wants to eat their faces. There's one of each kind of kid; there's the Jewish kid, the black kid, the fat kid, the female kid & 3 or 4 white boys. But not one Polynesian and I think that's racist, don't you?
Anyhow, there was this stupid lady sitting in front of me who brought her kids to this movie. This movie made ME pee a little with its jump-scares. That stupid lady is going to be up for a month comforting her now forever-traumatized children and she deserves it. Stupid bitch. Speaking of "stupid," I recently have decided that "stupid" is a hate crime. Please help me to spread the word. Thank you.