Angus Oblong's Movie Reviews.
Below you will find my professional opinion of the last few movies I've seen. Clearly I lean toward big dumb movies with aliens, explosions and lots of CG. I rarely allow myself to get dragged to a rom com or worse, something subtitled. Who wants to READ a movie?
(And if you have to play with your phone during a movie, you're too fucking stupid to be allowed to go to movies. So please stay at home and die.)
Toy Story 4.
Ok, what you need to know is; this isn't Toy Stories 1 thru 3. It's not the nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat shit those movies put us through. You know people actually DIED watching Toy Story 3? (Ok, I made that up, but it might be true. Probably is.) This movie is more about closure. (As was TS3.)
I don't agree with ANYTHING Woody did in this film, but just like the Avengers movies, I was not consulted. Woody should have been all like, "Fuck Forky. He's retarded. Let him go." But he didn't and because of that he meets Evil Doll. I forget her name Polly Poo Poo or something. And after she RIPS HIM OPEN, he goes back for her to help! Ida been all, "Fuck you, bitch! You're a giant festering doooche!" But he risks all to help her too. Woody! You have issues.
I was reluctant going into this movie, but it won me over. It follows the original Aladdin plot-wise exactly 87%. I was blindsided by some NEW songs! But Susan says they’re from the play or something. I dunno.
When Aladdin rubbed the lamp and some blue shit came out, I was all, “Ho boy, here we go.” Willy had some big shoes to fill, but he played both himself and the spastic genie in a way that didn’t make me want to rip my eyes out.
Also, Will Smith would like for you all to know dat he black. He not rilly blue. He black. I don’t think he said the “th” sound once, replacing it with “d.” Making “this” into “dis.” And “that” into “dat.” It was distracting at best and made me want to mug whitey.
Everyone seems to have strong opinions on Disney remaking their animated classics, and here’s mine: I like it! Although not all of them have been equally good.
Beauty and the Beast: I was bored through most of this movie unless the candlestick and clock were talking. And Hermione didn’t pull out her wand once!
Malificent: This retelling butchered the plot of Sleeping Beauty so much, I literally died. Here’s how stupid I am: I had to see this movie THREE TIMES before I was able to decide whether I liked it or not. In the end I decided it was beautiful. Visually stunning. But the brutal rape of the Sleeping Beauty storyline overrode all of that. I did not like that movie.
Dumbo: I like Tim Burton's work, but I somehow forgot to go see this, so I have no opinion.
The Lion King: I can't wait! John Favreau does some really nice work. His Jungle Book was exremely impressive. I'll be sad when he dies.
The Little Mermaid: I'm speechless.
Avengers End Game.This movie is 3 hours long so pee first or bring something to pee in. A whole lot of stuff happens in this movie but I’ll but I’ll just speak of my favorite and my least favorite parts.
My favorite being Fat Thor. There needs to be a movie called Fat Thor and it’s just him sitting on a couch eating a pizza for an hour and a half.
My least favorite plot point was the Avengers have now perfected time travel, making them utterly omnipotent! WhatTheFuck? If the writers had consulted me (and they never do) I would have had them use the Time Stone then it gets lost or misplaced. Brilliant, right?
I also saw the Captain Marvel movie, but I was really drunk so I don't remember much of it. I woke up at some point and tentacles were coming out of a cat's face. So I rented it recently and the tentacle cat made more sense.
Anyhow, so now that the Avengers can go ANYwhere in time and do ANYthing, if they don't stop Hitler and Renee Zelwegger, then I just don't know what they're thinking.
Disney & Marvel, Look at what you've done. I hope you're happy and that you've learned your lesson. In the future always run things by me first.